The Sandwich Generation

As a parent, it can be difficult to find yourself caring for both teens and elders, says Una Rice, but sometimes the perfect solution is close to home.

Chances are if you have teenagers, and ageing parents, you’re part of what’s ubiquitously known as the sandwich generation. You find yourself increasingly in a ‘giving’ role, from your place in the middle – whether it’s financially, energetically or emotionally.

You’ll know you’ve arrived. It’s the realisation that the demands of parenting young children have given way to the challenges of the teenage years, combined with concerns for elderly parents.

It can be a pernicious thing: one day you’re coping and juggling well, and the next, you may feel squeezed, whether it’s for time, money, emotional support or physical help. And you hate letting people down, which is another pressure. The idea that your responsibilities as a parent may have spread out, often doesn’t occur until there’s a family crisis – someone falls ill or dies, a parent can no longer live alone, or a teenager needs extra supports. When our resources have been previously free-flowing to our children, it can be a shock and major adjustment to find ourselves taking on an additional caring role.

The sandwich generation has been recognised in recent years as being quite pressured. This can take an emotional toll which can lead to anxiety, and the debilitating feeling of not being able to cope.

One solution is to be aware about not getting depleted. Insulate yourself against all the demands by using recognised selfcare techniques, practical tools, advice and help from your support network of family and friends, and all the professional and community supports at your disposal.

Small things can make a big difference, like the training provided by Age Action to help older people with computers and smartphones. And of course technology can unite teens with their grandparents like nothing else. There’s also the Seniors Alert Scheme, with free personal monitored alarms for those eligible. Lots of older people enjoy living independently, and the charity Alone provides coordinated support, with visitation support and a befriending service. ‑ ese can be very reassuring if you’re concerned about a parent living alone.

However, depending on your situation, you may find that the best solution, for whatever reason, is to bring all generations together under one roof.

THE JOY OF MULTIGENERATIONAL LIVING

For some families, bringing three generations to live together is the perfect answer, not just because of age but because it’s an enriching way to experience family life. Numerous studies outline the importance of grandparent/grandchild relationships. A grandparent can offer invaluable help when children are younger, and for teenagers, someone to confide in.

Sometimes having an extra adult around changes the dynamic, not to mention the enduring wisdom from the elders that inspire the young ones. With lockdowns, people eventually came to recognise the benefits of slowing down for quality family time. With multigenerational living, it’s a similar thing. It may be necessary perhaps for peace of mind or companionship. But ultimately it’s the perfect opportunity to embrace what family is all about – being there for each other.

‘‘I love living with my mum, and my children too’’

For yoga teacher Mary Mulligan, 47, it was an obvious step to move in with her mum Maria Teresa Maura Gamero, 80, following the break-up of Mary’s marriage and the death of her father.

‘‘Myself and my mum were always very close, so it was an easy step to move in with her. We were both delighted to have the company. It made total sense, as bringing up three children, who were still very small, alone, seemed like a very daunting task,’’ says Mary.

At first, restricted by the size of the three-bedroom house, the children shared a room. But as they got bigger, Mary rented a house in the same street, while the original home was extended, allowing everyone more space and comfort. The extension included a one-bedroom apartment for Maria Teresa with her own independent living space.

Mary and Maria Teresa

Living together for the last 12 years has enriched the family unit, and Mary says it was Maria Teresa, with a love of practices like tai chi and yoga, who encouraged her to train as a yoga teacher, and Mary went on to set up her business Dundalk Yoga Collective (dundalkyogacollective.com). Mary’s children Chandra, 18, Gaya, 14, and Surya, 13, have grown up in the company of their vivacious Grandma, who lists among her many interests and hobbies: bellydancing, meditation, swimming, crafts, jigsaws, cooking and gardening. Previously she was a part-time nanny and childminder, providing an indisputable support to Mary when the children were little, and these days she’s writing a novel.

‘‘It’s great help for a single mum to have another adult living in the house,’’ says Mary.

‘‘It will work best if they have their own space to relax or escape the busyness of the house, or noise of the children. With their own independent space, they can have somewhere to read, watch TV, or listen to the radio, but also come to you if they’re feeling lonely.’’

For Maria Teresa, who is a from a generation of self-sufficiency, from making clothes to cooking from scratch, there is much in the way of inspiration and skills to offer her grandchildren.

‘‘You have full independence, but also closeness when needed,’’ says Maria Teresa, ‘‘which is one of the most important things about extended families.’’

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